Behind the Ironic Column

A lot of people gain weight over the holidays – and some of them even talk about it as if it were an achievement rather than something they should have avoided.  But I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone claim to lose stature.  I can only assume that’s what happened to me.  After all, if I’d only gained weight, I’d still be able to reach the outside lights even if I made dents on  the ladder’s steps.

The reason for this concern is that I’ve been taking down the Christmas lights that I hung on my balcony railings and bird feeder poles and anywhere else I could manage.  It’s now well past the holiday and they should come down.  For some unknown reason, it was not pouring rain today, so the time seemed to have arrived.  It’s not all that much fun taking down lights in the cold but better than in cold with rain or snow.  Putting them up in the same temperature conditions always seems a lot cheerier. 

It was only a few weeks ago that I put them up – draping them over the railings and duct-taping them to walls and the bird feeder pole that extends up from my balcony.  I know I used my regular short ladder to do it (trying to borrow a tall ladder from a maintenance guy and then get it onto my balcony is too fraught with possibilities for serious damage).  So why is it that when I’m standing on the top step of my ladder I can’t reach the tape holding the lights to the top of the pole?  If it were just looped over, I might think I’d tossed it up there in a lucky throw.  But it’s taped — clearly I had to have been able to reach it.  You can’t just toss a piece of duct tape up and hope it sticks to the right place.

I readjust the ladder closer to the railing, which helps a little but makes me consider the possibility of falling over into the street.  That’s not the way I want to start out the new year.  My swiss army knife works on the tape a little lower down – but I’m wary of extending it too far up.  It’s not exactly a lethal weapon but if I drop an open knife 5 stories onto the sidewalk, it could be definitely unpleasant for the passersby below. 

Moving the flowerpots (which I know I didn’t move before) and angling the ladder even closer to the edge, I stand on tiptoe and catch enough of the edge of the tape to get it loose. I had to have been at least two inches taller to have managed to get that tape wrapped around the crook in the pole.  Where did those two inches go?  I’m sure I’d remember if I’d been able to levitate up there when I was installing them.  Telling myself firmly to avoid looking down, I grab the light string as it comes loose.  It wouldn’t really hurt anybody if it fell on them, but would be sort of startling.  

I don’t think I’m getting all the tape off the pole, but it can wait till summer maintenance.  And next year I have to remember to just loop the lights around and not tape them.  Maybe the phantom two inches will return, but it’s best to be prepared.

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