Reducing exercise number 1
Posted by bbc on 12 Jan 2007 | Tagged as: musings
Like a huge number of my fellow Americans, I made some halfhearted gesture towards becoming healthier in the new year. Never mind that the whole idea is illogical and that we show we understand that when we abandon all those new gym memberships at the end of January. It’s one of those ideas that’s appealing in the way a fresh new calendar with no entries is appealing. A clean slate to start over.
Instead of actually becoming healthier though, I’ve resolved to start doing (or not doing) some other kinds of exercises. The kinds that aren’t always written up in magazine with ab crunches or leg lifts or all of that stuff. One of the few exercises I remember from my junior high gym class days was one that was designed to increase one’s bosom. Not that any of us had bosoms at that point, but we knew we would or should or at least should want to. Else we wouldn’t be proper women. I remember being skeptical about the whole idea, but I couldn’t prove that it wouldn’t work. So that’s my full disclosure on my early disregard for the value of exercise. Not that I haven’t taken and enjoyed some exercise classes – weightlifting classes, for instance, could only be classified as exercise. I suspect my enjoyment had more to do with deciphering the somewhat esoteric terminology of weightlifting than lifting the weights. Once I moved away from that neighborhood, I never thought of them again.
So my first exercise-related resolution is to stop doing a particular exercise. Beating one’s head against a wall is not part of a valid exercise program anyway. No matter how many people tell you you’re a fathead and should do something about it. Smacking that head against the wall will not remedy fatheadedness. (That’s even assuming you are a fathead which is probably not the case. People do exaggerate so.) This non-exercise has the side effect of making you feel really good. Remember how good you feel when any pain just stops? That’s it, just stop doing it and you’ll feel fine.
You may be wondering what I’d recommend to remedy the situation that causes you to beat your head against the wall, and I do have a few suggestions. Whether they will work depends on your original reason for this particular exercise.
Was it solely to respond to some remark like “you’re a fathead” ? Then forget hitting your head against the wall and try doing it to the person who make the remark in the first place. He could probably benefit by thinking more carefully before offering personal commentary.
Was it a misguided self-imposed effort to actually reduce the circumference of your head? Is your hat too tight or did your head get stuck in the neck of your turtleneck? First visit your doctor to make sure there’s no previously undetected brain tumor or other malady that would cause your head to swell. If he gives you a good report, go out to the store and buy a new hat and turtlenecks. We all know spot reducing doesn’t help, so why bother. Get the new stuff and get on with it.
Does your head merely *feel* bigger than you think it should. Did you recently get a promotion or a raise or score some astounding coup? In that case, all it will take is time. Smacking yourself into a wall won’t make it any faster. If you want to speed the process up, contact your mother-in-law if you have one or spend the day with a group of teen-aged boys. You won’t feel like anybody special by the time they’re finished with you. If this fails to completely cure you, contact your ex-wife or ex-husband. They’ll know what to do.
My desk was behind this column.